Inner Dance: My Explorations of Philippine Shamanic Wisdom

It's been an eventful few weeks, I can say that much. In the world of Nature, things move slowly. Changes happen gradually. A lot of time is spent sitting, watching, immersed in silence. Time is of little consequence. But in the world of people, a lot happens; the dynamic beings that we are, I guess.

I've now spent a good few months surrounded by many people, here in the city of Manila. It's funny how that happened, really. I had been intent on completely going into hibernation, locking myself up for days and even weeks at a time in my room and devoting myself completely to my solitude. But many times, events also pushed me out into the world. Even when I'd thought I would be completely retreating from the rest of the world when I went to the seaside in Aurora, I was still flung into activities with people there. So quite by happenstance, I met many new people and reunited with old friends and family members as a consequence. And now I've come to remember just how much I really, truly enjoy being around people. It required a bit of memory-jogging, as I had become so accustomed to the peace and quiet of Nature in the past 2 years of living on a boat at sea. I'd felt too overwhelmed by the busy activities of people during the first 2 months in Manila. But as I see it now, Manila rightly re-ignited a part of me that had been dormant for quite awhile now: a deep love for being a part of the daily world of human interactions!

My latest experience was in a workshop that practiced Inner Dance. A couple of years back, I had been introduced to this wondrous, mysterious practice when I stayed at Bahay Kalipay in Puerto Princesa, Palawan, where the founder, Pi Villaraza, had been conducting it (besides conducting it everywhere else in the world). Being a resident of quiet, rural El Nido, I had found Puerto Princesa too nerve-wracking with its unending hum of tricycles and other urban activities. Bahay Kalipay, with its rural, natural setting on the outskirts of the city, served as a respite for the few days I had to be in Puerto Princesa. Back then, when Pi decided to initiate me to the practice, I felt a strange energy holding my arm that allowed me to keep my arm suspended in the air for a whole hour with no effort whatsoever, while I lay on my back. Something had kept my arm lifted in the air, and it wasn't me. I mean, if it were, how then was I able to keep it in the air for that long and not be tired from it, right? Still, I had my doubts about it then.

To give you a background of the Inner Dance practice, Pi came upon these mysterious flowing energies when he took on a pilgrimage around the Philippines with nothing more than the clothes on his back. The day he started walking was the day he left a successful marketing career and all other belongings he possessed. Something else had called him to take the walk, and he followed. About a year after journeying around Mindanao (Southern Philippines), he came to Palawan and settled himself on an island, where he remained for almost 2 years, subsisting only on a diet of coconuts. One day, a mysterious force suddenly consumed his body. His body started moving, prompted by energies that were coming from within. He found himself running up and down the beach in full vitality, as well performing strange stick-fighting techniques that he never possessed any knowledge about, prior to that experience. He was even doing somersaults and all kinds of acrobatics that he had no idea he could actually do! At the same time, he felt blissful and invigorated. Blessed by the experience, he decided to explore it further. He traveled through small towns to test the use of the energies, and found that they were able to heal people's illnesses, no matter how severe the illness.

Exploring further by visiting Philippine tribes, he then discovered through the baylans (shamans) that these tribes have known the involuntary body movements as “the hidden dance that heals and awakens people”. The tribes told him that they were the energies of grandmother spirit; a spirit very linked with the Earth, from my understanding. They were discovered one day, when a man started dancing wildly and joyously. So then, Pi started to heal people physically and emotionally. He discovered that the same energies were latent in each person's body, just waiting to be awakened. He was able to awaken them through the energies that were already awakened in him to be shared. Thus, Bahay Kalipay was born.

As I said, back then I still had some doubts about it. I didn't think I had enough of an experience to confirm the whole thing for myself. Well, if you've been keeping up with my blog, you'll remember that I had been talking about mysterious bodily movements that started happening to me one day while I was practicing yoga and meditating in my room, about a month ago. The energies made my body and arms dance and sway spontaneously, while I had looked on in awe. I had thought then that it might have something to do with Kundalini rising – the awakening of powerful healing energies at the base of the spine to unlock the human being's fullest potential, often brought about by religious yoga and meditative practice. But looking at things now, I believe that Kundalini rising and Inner Dance are simply two different names for the same thing...Inner Dance being the Philippine version of it.

I had been a bit scared about taking the energies further, as I knew nothing about them; but at the same time, I was unsatisfied with my Kundalini yoga teacher's suggestion to keep the energies under control by remaining still. I really loved flowing and dancing with the energies. When I asked her again later on if it would not be okay for me to explore these energies by allowing them to take their course, she finally said yes, but not during my yoga sessions. I needed to separate the two, as one practice (yoga) promoted self-discipline and control, while the other (Inner Dance) promoted free-flow and letting go. Two very opposite things. Yet I couldn't help feeling that they were somehow complimentary, as the first was more masculine, and the second, more feminine in nature. By employing the two methods by turns, I thought that I would perhaps come to a good balance between stillness/mental-discipline, and flowing/letting go. Besides, I don't think that experiences just happen randomly. There's always a reason for them. I took it that my body was telling me to explore Inner Dance.

So there I was then, in the Inner Dance workshop held by Arianne, who had been trained by Pi to facilitate the practice in Manila. My brother had been suggesting that I join the workshop. And right when music came on, my body instantly started to get swayed by the energies that seemed to move along with the vibrations of the sound. As always, I wasn't controlling my body; I was merely witnessing it. And right then, I knew it would be okay too, because everyone else started to move as well, with the same energies that I felt. The energies were a lot stronger than I had ever experienced them, and I found myself in a complete state of letting go to whatever my body was doing. Pent up emotions started to rise out of me powerfully...particularly those that I had been suppressing when a close friend took his own life just a few days ago.

My friend took his life one night, out of a deep depression at not being able to see his kids. He had rushed over to his ex-wife's house immediately after finding out that she and the kids had come back from Singapore. But upon getting there, his mother-in-law refused to let him see the children. I don't have to imagine the pain that comes with not knowing when you will ever see your children again. I had also experienced the same, a few years back. I wish I could've known that the night he called me was a night that he was actually pleading a friend to help raise him out of his hopelessness, because it was the same night he took his life. I didn't see that coming. He had sounded eeriely cheerful, was all I'd thought then. In fact, I had been annoyed that he seemed to start becoming dependent on me to fill whatever hole he was trying to fill up in him, so I kept the conversation short.

When I learned of his sad fate, I was in shock for a couple of days. Mostly, I felt afraid of facing the reality that he was really gone, and guilty that I hadn't been able to do more for him. Thanks to the support of good friends, though, I grew to slowly accept it. I didn't want to attend his cremation, but at the last minute, decided that I had to see him, if only to face reality full-on, that he really was gone. And I'm glad I did that, because then, a sense of peace in acceptance washed over me at seeing his body with my own eyes. Yes, he was really gone. And in facing that fact, I was no longer afraid, and for the first time, I was able to express the deep sadness that I really felt. No tears came though. They seemed to be stuck in my chest, still.

It was the Inner Dance workshop that finally propagated the full release for me, because I cried and cried then, the tears seemingly unstoppable, until a great big burden finally lifted off me. I became able to send my friend the love that I'd been withdrawing, out of the fear that feeling anything for him at all might hurt. After the session, I felt unbelievably light and grateful. The loss of my friend finally came to a healing close.

During the next part of the Inner Dance session, we were asked to take on partners. I ended up being partners with a girl named Mymel. We were asked to face each other on our mats and close our eyes. We were to get to know our partners on an intuitive basis. As the session progressed, the now-familiar energies came again. And as my body moved, the vision of a galaxy filled with many stars came to me. I started connecting with my partner so intimately that I came to a knowing that she and I had been great friends, sisters, for a very, very long time. I felt so much love for her. I just knew her! And what was crazy about it was that I never even met her until that day! But in the session, I felt so much familiarity and love for her that I was urged to extend my arms and pour all the love I felt out to her.

At one point, I felt compelled to open my eyes. When I did, I saw that our hands were in the exact same positions, midway up in the air, as if in offering. I thought that was strangely interesting, but closed my eyes again. My hands swayed to and fro a little more. Towards the end of the session, my hands rested on my knees. And when we were asked to open our eyes, Mymel and I discovered that we were sitting in the exact same position again! This emitted a burst of amused laughter from both of us.

During the sharing, Mymel and I found out a number of amazing things. She told about her vision of a galaxy filled with many stars – the same vision I'd had; she told of her body being taken over by a bouncy sort of energy, which she enjoyed playing with for awhile with her hands – the same bouncy energy I always felt when my body movements came on; and she told of feeling a great surge of love and warmth filling her at one point, coming from me! All these synchronistic events happened with our eyes closed.

And so this has left me in utter awe for our capacity as human beings to communicate psychically. Given the opportunity for our psychic faculties to grow, our currently limited means of communication through words would surely become obsolete. Words just don't suffice for the depth of love and understanding for another, that the psychic form of communication is able to reach. There's much happiness in psychic communication, due to a soul-knowing and understanding of one another. I do hope that one day, our world could grow into this. I mean, currently, we humans are only using a miniscule portion of our brain's true capacity. Imagine the wonders we could create when more avenues are opened up in our brains. Miracles would be a daily occurrence!

Okay, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here. But in saying all this, I'm truly grateful for the Inner Dance experience I had. It healed me of suppressed pain; it left me with a greater sense of awe for life, a more expanded view of the world; and most of all, it showed me my real capacity as a human being to love another, regardless of whether or not they're family, or even whether or not I'd ever met them before in my life. Love, in its deepest aspects, knows no difference in race, creed, personal history, or blood ties.

So I've made a renewal of vows. I've vowed to be a more active participant of this world of beautifully diverse human beings; to share more of those precious moments of life with others, even though that very same diversity in us as individuals often poses challenges in getting along peacefully. All it really is, is a little drama, a little more shape, splashes of color melding together to in the end, make the painting of life a masterful work of art. I've come to remember that God is felt as much in being with all the people around me as He/She is felt in the solitude of my heart. So I guess I'm not meant to live the life of a hermit. At least not in this lifetime. And you know what? I actually think that's a good thing.              

Roots Living in Aurora

the river at Dada Atma's farm

I had intended to take a retreat in Palawan last week to be on my own for awhile and practice my yoga and meditations daily on some beautiful deserted place by the ocean. I would eat nothing but fruits (and vegetables, if available) to cleanse my system. So I got tips from my Kundalini teacher on what practices I could do without being under her guidance, and I was set.

I had no idea how the plan would turn out, as I really didn't have much cash saved, and I was planning to sustain myself on this retreat for at least a month or two. Honestly, I would have about P3000 (75 USD) left on me after purchasing the plane ticket to Palawan. All I knew was that I needed to be by the ocean again, where I've always felt closest to God in the aspect of Mother Nature. But I went ahead and bought myself a tent anyway. In a way, I wanted to test my own faith in life to protect and provide for me while I take this solitary retreat. It's been said that the Universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf.

Well, my faith was answered quickly enough in the form of Dada Atma, my monk friend, who invited me to stay at his farm by the sea in Aurora, Quezon Province (Northern Philippines) for as long as I wanted. In fact, he said I could live there if I wanted to. Sheesh. All I can say is that God works fast, and will serve you not one plate of food, but a thousand! I was pretty much offered a lifetime pension, and all because I was willing to throw away all sense of future security to commune with the Universe. Such is life's paradox, I guess. It reminds me of that old Bible verse, which comes flooding from my distant childhood memories of Catholic worship now: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

So I went to Aurora, but only for a few days this time around, since my yoga trainer, Lokesh, also asked me to stay in Manila at least another two weeks to iron out my training. I stayed in Aurora for 4 days, with 2 additional days spent on the 9 to11 hour trip there and back to Manila. It turned out not just to be the most tranquil retreat for me, immersed in solitude in vast, sandy shores, mountains, and jungles of green, but a daily existence in roots living as well.

                                                                     pristine shores

                                                                   the serious yogi

                                               not-so-serious yogis (although they tried to be)

Dada Atma's farm was filled with fruits and vegetation, so our meals were only picked straight from the trees: coconuts, bananas, papayas, malunggay leaves, banana blossoms, beans, and even the edible part of the coconut tree trunk, called ubod. Our meals were mostly cooked with coconut milk. Even the rice was grown from the area. Our water came fresh and abundant, straight from the stream. We would also gather firewood along the beach for cooking.

                                                         bridge from farm to seashore

                                                                 gathering firewood

yummy meals are cooked outdoors

the resident carabao who helps gather building materials

Dada Atma, the monk-turned-farmer that he was in Aurora, mostly built the cottages and bathrooms himself, with the help of some assistants. We helped make roofs for the cottages by weaving coconut leaves, and then picked nice rocks along the shore, which were then placed on the bathroom floors for a sort of Zen look. It really did have a nice effect, so I have to give props to Dada's aesthetic taste. For sleeping quarters, some took the available cottages, while the rest of us camped in tents on the shore. Apparently, this was the purpose for my buying a tent.

                                                             my awesome little house!

                                                                Dada's pretty cottage

                                                      weaving coconut leaves for roofs

                                                 me and Dada Atma, monk-turned-farmer

Dada purchased the land in Aurora through campaigning efforts at donation when he was assigned to work with the tribal people there, the Aetas, who had lost their ancestral land to capitalists. He's been supporting these Aetas on his farm, and they gladly give their domestic and farm services in exchange.

                                                           more firewood gathering

                                                    me and the lovely tribal (Aeta) ladies

                                                     me and the cutest tribal kids ever!

A 2-day youth camp was also arranged during the time I was there, which made me an initially reluctant volunteer. I had been expecting no less than a frazzled, hair-pulling experience with rowdy adolescents. But instead, it turned out to be an extremely enjoyable experience for me in volunteer work. I was asked to teach the kids yoga. Unlike the usual adult yoga classes, seriousness was not the order of that class. Later, I was asked to join them in the games organized by Yoti and Dada Ashiish. I haven't run around, excitedly racing to grab chairs with other kids in a game in years of course, so that was a nice return to childhood, save for a few scratches and bruises on my arms. At night, we had a program of dancing and singing at the public school's multipurpose hall. If I could summarize these kids in two words, I would say, Gangnam style.

                                    games and dancing at the public school multipurpose hall

                                                                     more games

                                                                yoga classroom lessons

On the second day of camp, we visited Bulawan Falls. I thought it would be just any old falls, as there are quite a few in the country, but thought it worth checking out anyway. I wasn't disappointed! The falls were huge, and cascaded down for miles into a number of other smaller falls with large pools, and we were free to choose which pool we wanted to swim in. The water was beautifully clear and green. I only dipped my feet in though, because it was also freezing cold! Anyway, I was entertained enough, just watching the kids jump off the cliffs 20-30 feet high at the mother falls. Not a feat I'm willing to accomplish myself.

                                                                         jump!

more and more of the waterfalls

our souped-up ride 

the not-so-souped-up-but-probably-more-fun ride

Afternoons were spent just messing around at the beach with the kids in all their free-spirited, high energy. At sunset, I would steal away from the crowd to my favorite contemplation spot further down the shore. The sunsets are awesomely fiery red as the sun sinks behind the mountains. Unfortunately, my camera-phone didn't do an inch of justice to the natural beauty around me...but just to give you a good idea, I took pictures anyway.

                                                                     shore games

                                                                just fooling around

                                                           my favorite meditation spot

One night, as I enjoyed time to myself, some kids passed me sitting by the jungle, meditating with a shawl around my head. They bolted away, stumbling over each other and screaming “White lady!” I don't blame them. I was the perfect image of a ghost, sitting completely still, with a white shawl wrapped around me.

The trip back to Manila started with a full view of Nature from the roof of a minibus. Aurora is surrounded by the giant, majestic mountain ranges of the Sierra Madre, so as we zigzagged our way up and around the mountains, I got a bird's eyeview of the lusciously green, mountainous surroundings, complete with the Pacific ocean on our other side (and of course, the sun and wind in my face, how I've missed that!). I have to say that Northern Philippines has its own unique beauty. Different from my own home island, Palawan, yet just as starkly beautiful in its own way. I was really glad to have taken the time to see it.

                                                             

                                               the only shot I got of the view going home

                        (too little too late, we were already at the valley below by this time)

I'm now back in Manila, with a bad burn from lathering coconut oil on my skin before going under the sun for hours on end, because I had stubbornly refused to use chemically-manufactured sunblock. I figured that since coconut oil is one of the ingredients often used in sunblock, it would protect my skin. Big, stupid mistake. Coconut oil just made the sun burn my skin a lot faster. But I'm not surprised I made that kind of mistake anyway. No, not at all...So I have to put up with the skin-cancer-look for awhile, while my skin slowly peels away before my eyes.

Well, Manila it is, for another couple weeks, and then I'll see what goes from there. It's so far been an adventure of unexpected turns, which suits me just right. I've regained that zest for living on this planet again. Life just doesn't run out of new experiences, even when I think it's all been done. How I could even have thought that in the first place is beyond me. If I were God I'd be scratching my head at the sadness of a human being's utterly limited perceptions of what I could do. I mean, imagine a being who created the entire cosmos and thinking, “Nah, he can't possibly do this one little thing for me.” It doesn't make sense, does it?

Believe what you want, but I've had far too many experiences to call it coincidence, that I should be led to places I never conceived of going, literally or otherwise. There's something more, constantly at work. We call it God, the Universe, the Higher Self, Intuition, Mother Nature/Kali, Allah, Krishna, Life. All the same, we feel it, no matter who we are, what we've done, or what religion or culture we've been brought up in. Without a doubt, that 'something more' has been leading me along the way, offering signpost after signpost. And when I listen despite my mind's fearful protests, everything turns out better than I could have even conceived, myself. So as an old song goes, Que se ra, se ra, whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see...(and that's perfectly okay by me).   

                                                                       fiery sunsets

Strange, New Things

I realize that I haven't written anything on my blog in almost 2 months now. Interesting things have happened, but I'll start with what I've been up to. Well, the good part is that I've finally adjusted to the overly-stimulating city environment without the overwhelming feelings I first got, upon coming back here after years in the quiet of Nature. It was a slow and difficult process, but I'm happy to say that I've now adjusted enough to function normally here.

I've been so busy with work and activities, that it all left me pretty exhausted in a matter of weeks. And so I'd dropped into a part-time work schedule instead, so that I could regain my balance. That also meant that I would earn much less than I originally intended. But plans change, and my life in the past couple of months has been nothing short of a letting go of previous plans, and a falling away of purposes that, I've realized, don't serve me anymore.

You see, I had so many plans. I would go here and there, do this and then that, meet these people and those people, and it was all so exciting and purposeful, because it was all for the benefit of my new pilgrimage. But after awhile, all these plans started to pale. At the same time, I slowly got worn out with work, as I couldn't see a clear purpose to what I was doing anymore. I had to spend a whole lot of time reflecting again. And when I did that, certain plans started to fall away, as I started to see the opportunities that were already being presented to me right here and now. Here I was, plotting out all kinds of things for the future that were already happening to me in the present!

The thing about excitement is that it's a fleeting emotion, entirely based on outer circumstances. We constantly run toward events that make us happy, excited, or simply comfortable – the dream job, the dream partner, the dream family or friends, the dream life, the dream destination - and away from things that make us sad; constantly doing things to “fix” whatever makes us feel uncomfortable. But it just didn't seem like real freedom to me. All it seemed like was a doomed fate to keep running all our lives, toward one thing and away from another; just a tiring, repetitive cycle. I had promised myself long ago that I would never be part of that cycle. I would flow through life without attachments. But without knowing it, I had been part of the cycle at times too.

And so a couple of weeks ago, in complete surrender that once again, I didn't have any answers, nor did I know where to go next, I had my bizarre experience.

As I've said in my previous post, yoga has offered itself to me in bountiful amounts since I got to Manila, starting with the reunion with my brother, who helped me deal with my recent breakup experience through a more devoted practice of this discipline. I'd taken this, as well as other invitations that had to do with yoga, as signs that I'm being led through this way.

The latest offer was a free Kundalini Yoga class at my workplace, where the teacher has trained for years and traveled from India to teach it here in Manila. I've always been curious about this mysterious practice that claims to awaken the powerful energies at the base of our spine, causing a great surge of energy to release itself upward and through us, eventually leading to our enlightenment; enlightenment, being the release from the illusory physical world we currently live in, and attaining that perfect and finally permanent bliss...which is very different from the feeling we currently know as happiness. It can be dangerous for the unprepared person who hasn't taken the time to build foundations to stabilize the powerful energy that the body needs time to adjust to. The whole thing sounded a bit scary to me. But seeing as a class was being made available to me freely, I took that as a sign that I might finally be ready to learn it.

And so I went, and I diligently practiced the techniques on my own. As the days passed, I started feeling a little “foot-off-the-ground”, coupled with intense mood swings. I felt a little alarmed, because I had already managed to stabilize myself after my somewhat traumatic experience of a break-up from a serious relationship, coping in the loss of control over myself, being thrust out of Nature and into the overwhelming activities of the city, and having little more than spare change in my pockets, all at the same time. I didn't want to go back through all that again.

I finally fell into despair one day. That was the day I no longer knew where I should go next, because I felt that everything had been tried, tested, and done with. I've traveled, been in more occupations than I can even remember, loved deeply, let go when I had to, been ecstatically happy and hopelessly sad, been immersed in different cultures, subcultures, and social environments. I'd lived in the city slums at one point in my life, where my apartment was nothing but paper-thin walls and a floor that was about to give way to the garbage dump beneath it. By the same token, I've lived on a sailboat, in the sheer pleasure of physical freedom. I've observed and learned from all I needed to see! As far as I knew, I've been faithful to all my callings. What else did life want of me? “I'm utterly bored now!” I screamed to it.

The only thing I felt compelled to continue was my yoga practice, even though I didn't know exactly where it would lead me. I didn't even feel the desire to teach it.

That day, after a short and tearful prayer to be shown the way and I would again follow, I continued my Kundalini practice with abandonment. After the exercises, as I sat down to meditate with chanting music, I noticed that my body started to vibrate with heightened sensitivity to the music, and I felt a great urge to move my arms. My hands got lighter and lighter, and I started moving with the smooth, flowing energies that I could feel strongly in the air. Then my hands soon took a life of their own, moving around my head and various parts of my body...and I was merely witnessing it! For a whole hour or so, my hands untiringly went back and forth like pendulums, and around in circles throughout my body. It was like watching hands move that weren't mine. But I wasn't scared the first time. I thought it was fascinating. But then when it happened again in another session, and it had become stronger, that's when I got scared.

Thoughts started racing through me: How is it that my body is moving of its own accord? I'm not dreaming, that's for sure. I'm watching all this happen, and I'm fully conscious. My eyes are open, and I can hear the children shouting, the dog barking, and the cars passing by outside. Everything in the room is still in the same order. It's getting stronger! Am I possessed? Am I going crazy? There's no one to witness what's happening to me, what if I explode or something and die?!

I pray fervently to the heavens, trying to calm myself as best I can, while this experience happens. But then I find that I'm still in control, even while my body moves by itself. I can choose to stop it anytime I want, simply with my will to do so, if the experience ever gets too much for me. And so I go with it.

What follows after these experiences are very intense feelings releasing themselves with a vengeance, of all the fears and hurts I've held onto over the years. This process lasts for hours, leaving me exhausted, and then I fall asleep quicker than lightning. When I wake up, I'm at peace, but a little disoriented because I didn't know I fell asleep.

I had a feeling Kundalini yoga might have something to do with it, so I made it a point to do some research. What I unexpectedly discovered from there is how I've actually been going through a Kundalini rising process for quite a few years now. Apparently, some people experience it as a powerful and sudden surge of energy, affecting them and those around them forcefully and immediately; while others go through a slower, milder version of it that grows stronger in time as the body takes in more and more of it. The Kundalini is often triggered by an awakened sense of spirituality in a person. Another factor can be a recent traumatic experience that shocks the system and somehow awakens this energy more potently, even in a person without spiritual background.

As the energy tries to move upward from the base of the spine, trying to cleanse blocked centers within the body in an accelerated manner, a person will experience any of the following or more:

Increased body temperature; trembling, sudden muscle twitches or spasms, usually during meditation or rest/sleep; pain between the eyes (pineal gland area) or headaches/head pressures; extreme and uncontrollable emotional disturbances where unresolved issues are amplified (w/c can cause mental confusion, as the person going through them can't understand why they're so out of control); interval periods of ecstasy; hopelessness or loss of enthusiasm for reality as the person currently knows it; symbolic dreams; electronic gadgets malfunctioning during heightened experience; and acute sensitivity to the environment. There are more signs, and the Kundalini experience varies in each individual, but I name a few of the ones I've been through, which came to a climax this past year...and which has led to the peak of turmoil in me, to say the least.

Kundalini rising has been a known phenomenon in the East for centuries. Yoga and other ancient scientific practices have been devised for the gentle management of the Kundalini energy as it rises, to ensure that the individual's body and mind can smoothly accommodate the transition to this energy state. It's also called the Chi or Life Force, among other names, and once it's awakened, it only grows stronger with time.

People who have not been able to manage this energy have usually been diagnosed as mentally ill or psychotic, as the energy very much affects the mental state. For decades, doctors have apparently been puzzled about the strange phenomenon, of which their usual medical practices have had no positive effects on patients experiencing this. Often, these patients have not been introduced to grounding practices, such as a light diet and the practice of any of the ancient techniques for managing it. Eventually, they “fly off” with the strong energies. Vincent Van Gogh comes to mind. I think he might have actually tapped into these high energies, which caused his artistic genius, but he also didn't know how to come back down to the ground.

Experiencing a stronger form of energy, such as the Kundalini, is sort of like plugging 110 volts into a 220-volt socket; it's going to blow. An adaptor is needed, which is what yoga, martial arts, chi gong, or other such disciplines serve for us. They help the energies flow through more smoothly.

So anyway, I had a talk with Ines, my Kundalini teacher, regarding my experience. She said that I'm to control my body whenever this happens. This will keep the energies locked into my body, so that my body can learn to integrate them as they grow; otherwise, the energies will scatter everywhere, and that's never a good thing when you're talking about something powerful being allowed to unleash itself before its time. She gave me a series of exercises to get me back grounded. And I also better understand my whole experience of scattering energies now, particularly in the more recent past.

I learned that as the energies grow stronger, the more imperative it becomes to practice the grounding activities more regularly. This, I wasn't doing. I was very undisciplined and flying all over the place with these energies, somewhat akin to being high on drugs. Even my yoga practices were inconsistent then. My energies scattered all over the place, greatly affecting those in my immediate vicinity, either positively or negatively, depending on my state. This scattering of energies eventually left me confused.

So now I'm learning to handle the energies properly. It's made me realize why I had to come back to Manila. I had to integrate my body through yogic techniques and guidance made available in my vicinity. Who would've thought that I would find these things in the place I vowed never to come back to? Life's little humor, I guess. Well, laugh it off.

And so my previous plans have all flown out the window. I've always been where I'm supposed to be. At this point, the most important thing for me to do is not to over-stimulate myself with sensory experiences, and to get a bit more guidance in the Kundalini process. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but when did I ever anyway?

Right now, I'm also getting used to the swaying energies my body moves to as I meditate. It's a bit like being water itself, because I feel so fluid. Now I don't have to immerse myself in water. I am water! But okay, I'll still take my baths (blah).

Well I've had to work up some guts to write these personal details of my life, at the risk of perhaps a few of you thinking, “That's it. Now she's gone completely nuts.” But I feel a commitment to telling my pilgrimage as it is. So take what you can from it, if anything.

As for me, well my reality has just gotten a lot bigger, obviously. I was bored with the world as I knew it, and so it showed me a little more. And all it took was letting go of my own tired, repetitive plans. Funny how life works that way, isn't it? Well, I sure like its plans better than mine.

Namaskar, Namaskar <3         

The Pilgrimage Begins

In 1678, John Bunyan wrote a Christian Allegory whose main character, aptly named Christian, went on a spiritual pilgrimage, traveling from the City of Destruction toward the wonderful Celestial City. Along the way, he meets characters like Faithful, Goodwill, Giant Despair and other such characters reflecting the state of human life. The book was entitled “The Pilgrim's Progress”.

Now I'm not some scholarly dudette who hounds down every piece of classic literature she can get her hands on, or anything like that...far from it. I was actually introduced to Pilgrim's Progress by Louisa May Alcott's book, Little Women, which my parents sent me for my 11^th birthday, and which I've read over and over through the years. The characters in Little Women would read Pilgrim's Progress every morning to inspire them to go about their daily life purposefully, as pilgrims on a life journey, themselves. So I figured Pilgrim's progress would be a perfect name for my blog, as I embark on my own life journey as well. Of course, times have changed since 1678, and our lifestyles and many of our beliefs along with it; hence the title of my blog, “The Modern Pilgrim's Progress”.

The first chapter of my pilgrimage starts in Manila, Philippines. It has been a time of rest and reflection for me, which means that I have pretty much been hibernating at my family's ancestral home here in the past month, healing from my recent relationship crisis and dramas – which, I have to admit, were self-inflicted - and thinking about my plans for my new journey.

I've been here for a month and a half so far, and let me tell you, I've had a very difficult time about it, mainly because I miss my ocean and islands and vast, beautiful sky. I don't like concrete, I don't like the noise that vehicles make, I don't like the suffocating polluted air, and I don't like that the physical space around me is so limited because of all the buildings surrounding me wherever I go. At times, I felt so homesick that I would curl up in my bed and cry like a little girl. But although I know I can go back to the ocean anytime, I chose to stay here because I wanted to finish some personal projects that I'd abandoned years back, and which I've decided are more important to me at this moment. I've been tempted many times in the past month to just leave it all behind and go back to my hometown in El Nido, Palawan, where I can be surrounded by my ocean and islands again, but I kind of feel like I would regret not taking this opportunity again of finishing my yoga work, which is basically being offered to me now on a silver platter. And more than anything, I do want a new experience when I go back to my hometown. I want to do something more than the kind of life I've lived there in the past. The past was fun, but it's been experienced. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I'd rather not watch reruns, when there's every possibility of watching something new. Or in this case, creating something new.

And you know how when things are just right for you, when the shoe fits, it doesn't require much effort? Well, I set out to look for a job, at the same time that I went back to my yoga teacher's training with my instructor – which is the project I abandoned years back – and wouldn't you know it...my brother Joh came home one night and told me that they just lost assistant managers at their yoga center branches and they urgently needed new people. I had to think about it first, because the pay was not as much as I wanted, given that I wanted to save up for my future plans as quickly as possible. But then I thought, well I've been stressing about finding a high-paying job, when here's the work at the yoga center, which is actually more opportunity for me to learn all I can about the practice of yoga! I'm to be an assistant manager at a branch that's close to home, and they mandate their employees to take at least one of the different yoga classes each day, to get acquainted with different yoga styles. Mandatory? I call that yoga knowledge opportunity! And so I'll be starting with that job in a couple of days and am very excited for it...especially the fact that I can even show up to work in my usual pajama-like outfits, which by the way is a big incentive for me. I don't like constraining office attire, and I especially don't like trapping my feet in those tight leather shoes that offices have you wear. It's just not my thing.

I suppose I'll give you a bit of a background as to how I came to the decision to go back to my yoga teacher's training. A few years back, my brother Joh (who is now a yoga instructor) introduced me to the practice. I started doing it on my own because I didn't want to have to attend classes, mainly because it was too much effort to travel to a class each week. But then Ananda Marga, an international yoga center that promotes the practice, came to my village one summer, offering four free sessions at the village recreation center...which was only a few seconds away from my house. Easy. So I went, and there I met Dada Atma, one of the monks who was facilitating the yoga awareness campaign, and who approached me after class, inviting me to train at their center to become a yoga teacher. And so I did. But then I left midway, thinking that teaching wasn't for me, and that I would rather practice yoga on my own.

But ever since I left, Dada Atma has kept in touch with me, still gently urging me to teach yoga. He visited me in Palawan a couple of years after, and asked me to teach yoga there. I don't believe in coincidence. I believe more that when we're called to do something, it will keep calling us until we heed that call. Don't get me wrong, it of course has to be something you actually like doing; otherwise you'd just be doing the world a disservice by being bitter about what you do. And I love the practice of yoga and meditation. I've kept it with me because it's always been my time of peace, reflection, and re-alignment with my daily life. Okay, I'll admit, it's been more of a spontaneous thing for me, rather than a daily or even weekly discipline. But discipline is what it requires, and more than anything, discipline has never been my forte. So even though I loved yoga, I didn't want to teach it because it would require me to completely stop drinking with friends and God forbid, smoking, and become a full vegetarian. I mean, who wants a health teacher who has unhealthy habits herself, right? It would require me to walk my talk, which was a responsibility I wasn't willing to take on then. Anyway, in the past year, I've been thinking about all these situations that seemed to be calling me to take the step. Learn to discipline myself in this aspect. It will be good for me, and it will be good for others who are seeking to learn in this direction, is what my heart was saying. But a lot of times, we don't want to listen to our heart because 1) we don't want to do the leg work required, and 2) we're scared.

I'm honestly a bit scared about whether or not I can really do it, really have that discipline. And I guess that's what this is about now. So far, I've had to resist the temptation of going back to the islands. Trust me, that's a big challenge for me! And now, I'm having to quit my smoking vice and go back to my full vegetarian diet. The diet isn't bad, I love vegetarian food anyway and eat mostly that. The only challenge there is, is in not having meat at all. Then again, I've heard and seen enough pigs in my hometown, crying while their blood and life slowly gets drained away, to say that I no longer want to participate in the meat-eating lifestyle. Yeah, well, vegetarianism is a controversial issue, and there are a lot of different perspectives about it...but based on what I've seen and how I feel about it, I'm making my decision for what makes me happiest, that's all. I'd rather not eat the pig that I was crying over just a few minutes ago, if there are other food options available for me anyway.

As for the smoking...oh, that challenge! I know it's not good for my health and yadda, yadda, but more importantly for me is that I no longer want to promote the selfishness of these large companies who couldn't care less if they were killing people with chemicals, as long as they can make their profit at the end of the day. They only make their profit doing bad things anyway because we allow them to. In other words, it's still our choice on what we allow to persist in this world. And so I'm making my choice to help stop promoting it by ceasing to be a consumer. Obviously, the activist in me is stronger than the disciplinarian in me, so I'll lean more toward that end in order to quit smoking.

Sounds like a plan, doesn't it? All in all, my challenge in discipline does require a certain amount of effort from me. I do tend to be a little too relaxed about things, which makes me inefficient. But it's also true that when the shoe fits, everything comes easily, without our striving for it. Yoga has come to me in more ways than one, and that's a gift of balancing my mind, body, and spirit, as well as helping others achieve the same, who look for it. So this time, I'm not turning my back on it, out of some doubt about my ability to push through. I suppose this merits a little cheer:

“I can do it, yes I can!”

Oh, and one other thing: although I still prefer to be out in the islands, I've also found interesting little things in my daily life in Manila, which quite amuse me.

Take my company at home. My only companions here are my brother Joh who is rarely home from teaching his classes, two housekeepers, and an epileptic uncle. My uncle is physically but never mentally present and spends all his waking hours slumped in an armchair, except during mealtimes when he transfers to the dinner table...and when it's time to go to bed. I have no idea what goes through my uncle's mind all day, everyday, but he seems pretty content just sitting there, doing nothing and talking to no one. Sometimes I catch him smiling while his eyes wander aimlessly around the room, in which case, he must be reliving some nice memory; or else fantasizing about being the late FPJ, the Filipino action star who died just a few years back. My uncle idolizes the actor so much that he keeps a picture of the guy in his wallet. But other than FPJ, he has no memory of the people around him. I always greet him when I pass by, and he greets back to acknowledge that he knows me. But when I asked a few days ago if he knew me, he squinted his eyes as if trying to remember, and then concluded that he had no idea.

Another time, the househelp was panicking that my brother's laptop was missing from its usual place, and we all wondered if my brother had taken it with him, which was unlikely, because he never takes it when he leaves the house. The househelp had been out for the day, and I was upstairs the whole time, so if any thieves had come in (it's not a rare occurrence in Manila if you forgot to lock your gate; or sometimes if the thief has simply found a way to get in), my uncle would be the witness, as he was downstairs the whole time. He said that he thought he saw a girl walk in and take it, and then leave again in a rush. That got our hearts pumping! I asked him to describe the girl, and he said she had long, very curly hair. Well, now, that would be my brother, who had long, very curly hair, and that my uncle mistook for a girl. Sigh. And yep, that was my brother who came in and left in a rush with his laptop.

I also have an additional companion at home. I spend whole days in the balcony, writing, while having coffee in the company of a black-and-white cat I've come to befriend. I don't know where the cat actually lives. I know it doesn't have an owner, but it spends its lazy afternoons with me. At first, it kept taking my nice, cushioned seat (the royalty that cats are) and I had to constantly shoo it away. So now it has demoted itself to the plastic chair across the table from me, upon realizing that I was the queen of the balcony. We each quietly do our own thing, but I enjoy her company. I tried giving her some bread once, and then some fried banana another time. She ignored the bread, but had a taste of the banana. I don't think she liked the banana much either because she ignored it too, after that tiny bite. Royalty..they're so hard to please. I'm supposing it must be from their ancestry in Ancient Egypt, when they literally were treated as royalty, and even more than that, as great spiritual guardians...which I suspect is also the reason my cat friend prefers my cushioned seat over the other chairs around. It's just what she's used to.

Other than my company at home, life outside also has its interesting stuff. The other day, I was commuting like crazy to get to my destinations instead of taking cabs, so I can save my cash, and it felt exciting to just go all over the city without knowing my next route, just like when I was a kid going out into the big, wide world on her own for the first time. In every place I got dropped off by public transportation, I had to ask for directions on what to ride next. So it was a nice little adventure of not knowing exactly how I would get places.

And along the way, while I walked, and stood in line, and rode vehicles, I had the pleasure of watching everyone around me. People looking sad, happy, angry, impatient, bored, sleepy, energized in gossiping about so-and-so and this-and-that about their life, kids dancing and singing in the streets...and it felt good to be a part of human life, in all its colorful variety. And I even got to stop every now and then to have some good old dirt-cheap Filipino street food along the way, which I've missed terribly in the past few years. The long lines of street food were most definitely a feast for my eyes...and my belly, after that.

So really, it's not all that bad while I have to be here in Manila. Life always shows interesting things anyway, wherever I go, is what I've found. I'm just grateful to be a part of it all, and to be sharing the adventure of life...the grand adventure of a lifetime...with everyone.

Coming soon, stay tuned :)