I realize that I haven't written
anything on my blog in almost 2 months now. Interesting things have
happened, but I'll start with what I've been up to. Well, the good
part is that I've finally adjusted to the overly-stimulating city
environment without the overwhelming feelings I first got, upon
coming back here after years in the quiet of Nature. It was a slow
and difficult process, but I'm happy to say that I've now adjusted
enough to function normally here.
I've been so busy with work and
activities, that it all left me pretty exhausted in a matter of
weeks. And so I'd dropped into a part-time work schedule instead, so
that I could regain my balance. That also meant that I would earn
much less than I originally intended. But plans change, and my life
in the past couple of months has been nothing short of a letting go
of previous plans, and a falling away of purposes that, I've
realized, don't serve me anymore.
You see, I had so many plans. I would
go here and there, do this and then that, meet these people and those
people, and it was all so exciting and purposeful, because it was all
for the benefit of my new pilgrimage. But after awhile, all these
plans started to pale. At the same time, I slowly got worn out with
work, as I couldn't see a clear purpose to what I was doing anymore.
I had to spend a whole lot of time reflecting again. And when I did
that, certain plans started to fall away, as I started to see the
opportunities that were already being presented to me right here and
now. Here I was, plotting out all kinds of things for the future that
were already happening to me in the present!
The thing about excitement is that it's
a fleeting emotion, entirely based on outer circumstances. We
constantly run toward events that make us happy, excited, or simply
comfortable – the dream job, the dream partner, the dream family or
friends, the dream life, the dream destination - and away from things
that make us sad; constantly doing things to “fix” whatever makes
us feel uncomfortable. But it just didn't seem like real freedom to
me. All it seemed like was a doomed fate to keep running all our
lives, toward one thing and away from another; just a tiring,
repetitive cycle. I had promised myself long ago that I would never
be part of that cycle. I would flow through life without attachments.
But without knowing it, I had been part of the cycle at times too.
And so a couple of weeks ago, in
complete surrender that once again, I didn't have any answers, nor
did I know where to go next, I had my bizarre experience.
As I've said in my previous post, yoga
has offered itself to me in bountiful amounts since I got to Manila,
starting with the reunion with my brother, who helped me deal with my
recent breakup experience through a more devoted practice of this
discipline. I'd taken this, as well as other invitations that had to
do with yoga, as signs that I'm being led through this way.
The latest offer was a free Kundalini
Yoga class at my workplace, where the teacher has trained for years
and traveled from India to teach it here in Manila. I've always been
curious about this mysterious practice that claims to awaken the
powerful energies at the base of our spine, causing a great surge of
energy to release itself upward and through us, eventually leading to
our enlightenment; enlightenment, being the release from the illusory
physical world we currently live in, and attaining that perfect and
finally permanent bliss...which is very different from the feeling we
currently know as happiness. It can be dangerous for the unprepared
person who hasn't taken the time to build foundations to stabilize
the powerful energy that the body needs time to adjust to. The whole
thing sounded a bit scary to me. But seeing as a class was being made
available to me freely, I took that as a sign that I might finally be
ready to learn it.
And so I went, and I diligently
practiced the techniques on my own. As the days passed, I started
feeling a little “foot-off-the-ground”, coupled with intense mood
swings. I felt a little alarmed, because I had already managed to
stabilize myself after my somewhat traumatic experience of a break-up
from a serious relationship, coping in the loss of control over
myself, being thrust out of Nature and into the overwhelming
activities of the city, and having little more than spare change in
my pockets, all at the same time. I didn't want to go back through
all that again.
I finally fell into despair one day.
That was the day I no longer knew where I should go next, because I
felt that everything had been tried, tested, and done with. I've
traveled, been in more occupations than I can even remember, loved
deeply, let go when I had to, been ecstatically happy and hopelessly
sad, been immersed in different cultures, subcultures, and social
environments. I'd lived in the city slums at one point in my life,
where my apartment was nothing but paper-thin walls and a floor that
was about to give way to the garbage dump beneath it. By the same
token, I've lived on a sailboat, in the sheer pleasure of physical
freedom. I've observed and learned from all I needed to see! As far
as I knew, I've been faithful to all my callings. What else did life
want of me? “I'm utterly bored now!” I screamed to it.
The only thing I felt compelled to
continue was my yoga practice, even though I didn't know exactly
where it would lead me. I didn't even feel the desire to teach it.
That day, after a short and tearful
prayer to be shown the way and I would again follow, I continued my
Kundalini practice with abandonment. After the exercises, as I sat
down to meditate with chanting music, I noticed that my body started
to vibrate with heightened sensitivity to the music, and I felt a
great urge to move my arms. My hands got lighter and lighter, and I
started moving with the smooth, flowing energies that I could feel
strongly in the air. Then my hands soon took a life of their own,
moving around my head and various parts of my body...and I was merely
witnessing it! For a whole hour or so, my hands untiringly went back
and forth like pendulums, and around in circles throughout my body.
It was like watching hands move that weren't mine. But I wasn't
scared the first time. I thought it was fascinating. But then when it
happened again in another session, and it had become stronger, that's
when I got scared.
Thoughts started racing through me: How
is it that my body is moving of its own accord? I'm not dreaming,
that's for sure. I'm watching all this happen, and I'm fully
conscious. My eyes are open, and I can hear the children shouting,
the dog barking, and the cars passing by outside. Everything in the
room is still in the same order. It's getting stronger! Am I
possessed? Am I going crazy? There's no one to witness what's
happening to me, what if I explode or something and die?!
I pray fervently to the heavens, trying
to calm myself as best I can, while this experience happens. But then
I find that I'm still in control, even while my body moves by itself.
I can choose to stop it anytime I want, simply with my will to do so,
if the experience ever gets too much for me. And so I go with it.
What follows after these experiences
are very intense feelings releasing themselves with a vengeance, of
all the fears and hurts I've held onto over the years. This process
lasts for hours, leaving me exhausted, and then I fall asleep quicker
than lightning. When I wake up, I'm at peace, but a little
disoriented because I didn't know I fell asleep.
I had a feeling Kundalini yoga might
have something to do with it, so I made it a point to do some
research. What I unexpectedly discovered from there is how I've
actually been going through a Kundalini rising process for quite a
few years now. Apparently, some people experience it as a powerful
and sudden surge of energy, affecting them and those around them
forcefully and immediately; while others go through a slower, milder
version of it that grows stronger in time as the body takes in more
and more of it. The Kundalini is often triggered by an awakened sense
of spirituality in a person. Another factor can be a recent traumatic
experience that shocks the system and somehow awakens this energy
more potently, even in a person without spiritual background.
As the energy tries to move upward from
the base of the spine, trying to cleanse blocked centers within the
body in an accelerated manner, a person will experience any of the
following or more:
Increased body temperature; trembling,
sudden muscle twitches or spasms, usually during meditation or
rest/sleep; pain between the eyes (pineal gland area) or
headaches/head pressures; extreme and uncontrollable emotional
disturbances where unresolved issues are amplified (w/c can cause
mental confusion, as the person going through them can't understand
why they're so out of control); interval periods of ecstasy;
hopelessness or loss of enthusiasm for reality as the person
currently knows it; symbolic dreams; electronic gadgets
malfunctioning during heightened experience; and acute sensitivity to
the environment. There are more signs, and the Kundalini experience
varies in each individual, but I name a few of the ones I've been
through, which came to a climax this past year...and which has led to
the peak of turmoil in me, to say the least.
Kundalini rising has been a known
phenomenon in the East for centuries. Yoga and other ancient
scientific practices have been devised for the gentle management of
the Kundalini energy as it rises, to ensure that the individual's
body and mind can smoothly accommodate the transition to this energy
state. It's also called the Chi or Life Force, among other names, and
once it's awakened, it only grows stronger with time.
People who have not been able to manage
this energy have usually been diagnosed as mentally ill or psychotic,
as the energy very much affects the mental state. For decades,
doctors have apparently been puzzled about the strange phenomenon, of
which their usual medical practices have had no positive effects on
patients experiencing this. Often, these patients have not been
introduced to grounding practices, such as a light diet and the
practice of any of the ancient techniques for managing it.
Eventually, they “fly off” with the strong energies. Vincent Van
Gogh comes to mind. I think he might have actually tapped into these
high energies, which caused his artistic genius, but he also didn't
know how to come back down to the ground.
Experiencing a stronger form of energy,
such as the Kundalini, is sort of like plugging 110 volts into a
220-volt socket; it's going to blow. An adaptor is needed, which is
what yoga, martial arts, chi gong, or other such disciplines serve
for us. They help the energies flow through more smoothly.
So anyway, I had a talk with Ines, my
Kundalini teacher, regarding my experience. She said that I'm to
control my body whenever this happens. This will keep the energies
locked into my body, so that my body can learn to integrate them as
they grow; otherwise, the energies will scatter everywhere, and
that's never a good thing when you're talking about something
powerful being allowed to unleash itself before its time. She gave me
a series of exercises to get me back grounded. And I also better
understand my whole experience of scattering energies now,
particularly in the more recent past.
I learned that as the energies grow
stronger, the more imperative it becomes to practice the grounding
activities more regularly. This, I wasn't doing. I was very
undisciplined and flying all over the place with these energies,
somewhat akin to being high on drugs. Even my yoga practices were
inconsistent then. My energies scattered all over the place, greatly
affecting those in my immediate vicinity, either positively or
negatively, depending on my state. This scattering of energies
eventually left me confused.
So now I'm learning to handle the
energies properly. It's made me realize why I had to come back to
Manila. I had to integrate my body through yogic techniques and
guidance made available in my vicinity. Who would've thought that I
would find these things in the place I vowed never to come back to?
Life's little humor, I guess. Well, laugh it off.
And so my previous plans have all flown
out the window. I've always been where I'm supposed to be. At this
point, the most important thing for me to do is not to over-stimulate
myself with sensory experiences, and to get a bit more guidance in
the Kundalini process. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but
when did I ever anyway?
Right now, I'm also getting used to the
swaying energies my body moves to as I meditate. It's a bit like
being water itself, because I feel so fluid. Now I don't have to
immerse myself in water. I am water! But okay, I'll still take
my baths (blah).
Well I've had to work up some guts to
write these personal details of my life, at the risk of perhaps a few
of you thinking, “That's it. Now she's gone completely nuts.” But
I feel a commitment to telling my pilgrimage as it is. So take what
you can from it, if anything.
As for me, well my reality has just
gotten a lot bigger, obviously. I was bored with the world as I knew
it, and so it showed me a little more. And all it took was letting go
of my own tired, repetitive plans. Funny how life works that way,
isn't it? Well, I sure like its plans better than mine.
Namaskar, Namaskar <3
